I finished the Sunday early morning spin class a total wreck as my clothing were soaked including my socks I loved how the exercise made my body shake with physical expenditure, my face flushed red. The instructor shook everyone's hands and I smiled directly at him as I liked how he handled himself as an educator, it seemed to matter to him that we were safe on our bikes. I also like that during the spin I have no thoughts of anything but focusing on my body as being strong is not about ego it is about the ability to maintain myself alone here in Los Angeles.
Do take care:
I was tiny sitting in the dentist chair looking at my sneakers thinking about running, and I could already see my toes starting to rip through the sneakers red fabric, "oh boy" I thought it is going to be a long summer for my toes again this year. New shoes were not something we had a comfort of and we were told to take care of them but I always managed by early spring to have the start of toe wear down. Deep in my sneaker thoughts when the dentist entered the tiny room apparently this was part of being on welfare after my father abandoned us, health care assessments. He looked down at me with a scowl and I knew he did not want to care for me just do his government time, I did not trust him, and scowled back at him. He sat down on a chair with wheels and swirled next to me, " OK lets do this quick I have lots of kids to see, now open up your mouth", moving forward with a tiny mirror and poky utensil. Moving my head away I shut my lips together tightly, this seemed to irritate the dentist more, " now open up little girl", I shook my head no again. I thought" I do not know him and what he wants to do so until he tells me nope", I looked down at my hands. The doctor moved back exiting the door and returned with Grand Mary and Uncle Bill, " look she won't open her mouth please tell her to cooperate", he sat back folding his arms looking much like my teacher. Grand Mary laughed, " Bonnielynn girl what is the matter ?" I said softly , " he won't tell me what he is going to do so it's my mouth I want to know ", I heard Uncle Bill chuckle, " she is just like someone I love right Mary", moving aside so Grand Mary could sit in the chair with wheels took my hand and explained. I have always been very independent and truth be told was not given much of a life option, and I figured if my own father was an idiot most likely most adults were too. I gave in and had my teeth examined and had to have one pulled, I did not cry I knew that tooth was doomed and came home with cotton stuffed in my mouth. My mother made tea as I sat on the tall step stool known as my " time out " chair, " Bonnielynn you must take care of yourself as today must have taught you and when I tell you to brush your teeth from now on you think of that little tooth the doctor pulled today. Try not to let that happen again" I nodded with the cotton still in and my eyes big, I knew she was right , and rubbed my jaw where the tooth once was, when you are poor taking care matters because often there is no money to make it right.
Walking back to my loft my hair was soaked and the wind had a slight undertone of winter cold I moved even faster as I hate being cold. I have let my hair go to it's natural curls while I train as its pointless to have it styled, subsequently I am given countless compliments on my curls, not something I am used to hearing. I am learning to like my curls again as I discover so much about myself and how the past really does affect how we value ourselves. I have days where I miss my former life but those are very few now, as I think of my life here as home, I enter my loft to fight off Sparky the cat and answer a call from a guy I am casually dating, he is charming easy to talk to.